


Hall Passes & Badgie Huggies

by ErinPtah



Category: Hello From the Magic Tavern (Podcast)
Genre: Bangin' Buds, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Friendship, Happy Ending, Interspecies Romance, M/M, Polyamory, Shapeshifting, The Shattering | The Fragmenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28123173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinPtah/pseuds/ErinPtah
Summary: Excerpts from Arnie's private video diaries to his wife. Mostly the ones about his shapeshifter best bud.Canon relationships plus Bangin' Buds, in lighthearted/low-drama (except in one scene where canon is unavoidably Dramatic) polyamory. Light spoilers through the Castle Skullmaster arc. Wild-but-optimistic speculation about what might come next.
Relationships: Arnie Niekamp/Sarah Maher, Chunt/Arnie Niekamp, Chunt/Twosidore the Casual
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Hall Passes & Badgie Huggies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cjmarlowe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjmarlowe/gifts).



> Thank you for the Yuletide prompts, CJ! Not sure this Arnie/Chunt got as perverse as you might have dreamed, but I packed in a bunch of banter and fluff to make up for it (with a side of heavy Usidore friendship).
> 
> Didn't go back through the wiki to map out all the events and put exact dates on these scenes -- just know that they're in chronological order, probably, with timeskips in between.

ARNIE  
Uh...hi, honey? I've been trying to reach you, but the connection in this magical world is really weird, and I don't think it's getting through. My normal email isn't loading, Twitter won't let me sign in, Facebook keeps redirecting to something called WoodWorld -- did _not_ keep that tab open long enough to find out if it means what it sounds like.

The first episode of the podcast went through, or at least Earwolf says it did, so maybe you'll hear that. But obviously there's still personal stuff I'd want to say to you in private. So either I'll figure out a way to send you this video, or....I can just play it for you when I get back.

Which is totally going to be any day now! See this cute little house I'm staying in? It's owned by a _shapeshifter_. His best friend is a _wizard_. People in this world can do practically anything.

Okay, maybe not anything, I did ask the shapeshifter -- and, listen, this was _not_ trying to make it weird, it was supposed to be a lighthearted joke -- if he could turn into a hot woman, and he got all blushy and stammery and said probably not as hot as Earth people. So I guess there are limits.

But, I mean. How bad could it be, right?

ʕ✿ ܫ ✿ʔ

ARNIE  
Before the guest showed up this afternoon, I tried to explain to the guys the concept of a "hall pass."

Not on recording, obviously, because I don't wanna waste Earth listeners' time talking about Earth stuff, and because, like...my mom could listen to the podcast. _Your_ mom could listen to the podcast! They do _not_ need any hints about our "if a tour keeps us apart long enough, here's what we get to do on the side" policy.

...granted, this is a world-changing discovery of the reality of multiple dimensions and the difficult-but-possible travel between them, not a comedy tour that lasted more than two weeks. But it's _kiiiind_ of in the same spirit, right?

Anyway, it didn't really work out. Honestly, I don't think Chunt has the strongest grasp of monogamy in the first place, and when I tried to explain how it's a metaphor from the American school system, Usidore got the wrong end of the stick and went off about how "nay, what e'er these great halls doth be, so long as Usidore draws breath ye shall NOT pass," blah, blah, blah.

I sure hope you're having more luck than I am. Well, mostly I hope you know I'm alive, and sure, you're a normal amount of worried, but not freaking out or in mourning or anything. And so, if sometimes you have the normal urge to go out and land a cute guy for a night or two, I hope that you do and it's easy and he understands all your references and has the normal amount of buttholes.

Or you could land a cute girl?

Not that you've talked about that! Not that I'm hinting! Just, hypothetically, if you were to explore new options and find out something new about yourself at this point in life, I would be very cool and supportive about it. That's all I'm saying.

ʕ✿ ܫ ✿ʔ

ARNIE  
Hi! Oh my gosh, I've been so busy running the tavern, I haven't even stopped to make a video telling you how I'm running the tavern now. But we are closed for the night, everything's handled, or at least handled enough that the starting level of chaos tomorrow will be, uh, manageable, so let me -- _oof_ \-- take the laptop down and show you around!

It'll be like an episode of _Cribs_. Except with less billionaire obscenity, and more surprise cursed artifacts stuck in the walls. You would be _amazed_ how many of those we've turned up.

Okay, so this is the hall -- those burn marks are where one of the cursed things went boom, I don't think I got it in the podcast because the eldritch screeching corrupted all the audio -- the kitchen is over there, are we close enough to hear the music? Yeah, the dishes do this song-and-dance number every night while washing themselves -- it was pretty amazing the first time I saw it, but I'm kinda used to this stuff by now -- let me show you something _really_ impressive --

Here it is! Every week, we record the podcast at _this very table!_

Now, it's pretty dark and quiet in here right now, but I'm going to do a slow turn around the room, and I want you to just imagine --

[CLICK]

CHUNT  
Arniiiie! Did you forget about our -- Ooh, what are you doing? Are you recording another episode? Are you recording something _else?_

USIDORE  
Dost thou have a SECRET PODCAST?

ARNIE  
No! And why are you sounding all scandalized about that, anyway? You did a secret podcast with my equipment for months!

CHUNT  
Yeah, but we told you eventually!

USIDORE  
We hath recorded episodes of GETTIN' NUTS right in front of you.

CHUNT  
Ooh, what if we did one right now? As a special bonus?

ARNIE  
Ahhh! Please give that back -- we're all screwed if it breaks, they don't exactly have Genius Bars in Foon --

CHUNT  
Hi, listeners of Secret Podcast! This is Usidore --

USIDORE  
\-- who is known by the Nymphs of the Apple Orchard as BARRY THE GENIUS, just so you know --

ARNIE  
It's a message for my wife, okay? It's a little private video that I record, privately, for Sarah. Every couple of weeks. Or whenever I have time.

CHUNT  
Aww, buddy! Here you go. Sorry we interrupted.

USIDORE  
Hast thou found a way to stay in touch with Sarah? Last I knew, e'en my genius had only managed to reach her temporarily.

ARNIE  
No. I'm just saving the recordings. I figure, once I get back to Earth, she can catch up with the backlog.

CHUNT  
...how many episodes have you done, again?

USIDORE  
Chunt! Be nice. Do not impose upon a clearly-distraught Arnold to do _math._

CHUNT  
What, doesn't he give them numbers? I thought you said you put the ep-pey-sode num-ber in the fi-yul-names.

ARNIE  
One, it's Arnie. Three, why did you pronounce "number" weird, when that's _clearly_ a word you have in Foon? C, uh, look, there's a bunch of them, but I stopped counting. I don't wanna talk about archive stuff.

CHUNT  
Sure, that's fair. Hi, Arnie's wife! Congratulations on finally catching up to the _cutest_ part of the backlog.

ʕ✿ ܫ ✿ʔ

CHUNT  
Hey, Arnie -- ooh, are you doing another recording for Sarah?

ARNIE  
Yeah -- don't come in the frame, okay?

CHUNT  
Why not? I came in it before.

ARNIE  
Well, uh. You're kinda...naked.

CHUNT  
I was naked all the other times.

ARNIE  
Yeah, but now you're _human_ naked. It's different!

CHUNT  
Wow, speciesist much? Hi, Sarah!

ARNIE  
That's -- okay, fine, maybe I just won't send this one. In case I do...hey, honey, this surprisingly limber guy sitting in my lap is Chunt. The one who's usually a badger. But he's really a shapeshifter. And to be _absolutely_ clear, he got himself into human form _before_ we, uh. Y'know.

CHUNT  
I told you, it wouldn't have been weird! It's a totally normal thing in Foon. I've had interspecies sex, like, hundreds of times.

ARNIE  
Well, I respect your right to do that, and you respect my no-badger boundaries, and that's what makes great relationships work, right?

CHUNT  
Also, I think technically this is wizard form? Since I got it by having sex with my other boyfriend, who is a wizard.

USIDORE  
Not a real wizard!

ARNIE & CHUNT  
Aaaahhhh!

ARNIE  
What are you doing here, Usidore?! Obviously Chunt stayed here, in my room above the Vermillion Minotaur in the town of Hogsface in the land of Foon, overnight, but I thought you went home!

USIDORE  
I did! And then I RETURNED, for most assuredly the night hath passed, and it is now NORMAL BUSINESS HOURS.

ARNIE  
Ohmigod nobody opened the tavern.

USIDORE  
Well, certainly _you_ didn't.

CHUNT  
Aw, did you come to let us know we don't have to worry, because you handled it?

USIDORE  
Goddesses, no. Such menial tasks are beneath the dignity of a REAL wizard. I came to warn you that the boy did.

ARNIE  
Ohmigod Blemish opened the tavern. I gotta go save it!

[assorted thumping, crashing, grunting noises, running footsteps]

USIDORE  
Wait! Allow the REAL WIZARD to cast a spell that puts some pants on!

ʕ´✿ ｪ ✿｀ʔ

ARNIE (whispering)  
Hi, hon. Just wanted to bang out a quick one of these...might not have time for another for a while, and I already missed a couple of weeks, what with all the wedding planning.

So, um. You can see the background here is Chunt's little house again. Because we had the wedding, and then Twosidore kind of...exploded? After they had sex -- we sorta told people it was their first time, because Foon has this _really weird_ sense of propriety, but it _was_ their first married sex -- and then, boom.

Anyway, Chunt is obviously pretty messed up about this. So I moved back into his place for a bit, to clean up, hug him when he needs it, make sure he keeps eating and sleeping -- he's doing that now. The sleeping one, I mean.

I'm not doing _great_ , but, you know, nowhere near on the same level. Chunt was in love with the guy, I just...liked him okay. At least to the level you _should_ like the people who marry your boyfriends. That's a rule in Earth polyamory too, isn't it? I mean, you haven't met Chunt, but I _never_ would've started anything with him if I didn't truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that you would agree he's a pretty cool guy.

CHUNT (from a distance)  
Arniiiie? Where'd you go? I need badgie huggies.

ARNIE (whispering)  
That's my cue. Talk to you again soon.

ʕ✿ ܫ ✿ʔ

CHUNT  
I _promise_ I pushed the right button.

ARNIE  
Are you sure?

CHUNT  
The little light is blinking and everything! Look, I know this is all new to you, and you might still be kinda freaking out right now, but just trust me, babe. I've watched you do this, like, a bunch. I know which clicky things to click when.

ARNIE  
...you know what, actually, now I'm having second thoughts about the whole thing.

CHUNT  
Oh, come on --

ARNIE  
Not because of you! I do trust you! I do. It's just -- I think Sarah is going to freak out watching a video where I'm technically sorta-kinda dead, and have my soul temporarily housed in a tiki mug. Maybe I should just not do any more of these until this plot point is dealt with.

CHUNT  
Look, I wasn't going to say anything, but...maybe she doesn't have to notice? It's not as easy as with the podcast, where we could've just not _said_ you were a tiki mug, and none of the listeners would know the difference...

ARNIE  
Although of course I would never withhold important details like that, because we're trying to make a serious documentary, even if I do make the occasional joke about 'plot points'...

CHUNT  
Of course. But my point is, okay, this has video, we can't fill it with the whole image of your moving not-dead human body. But if the video _just_ has the tiki mug and your voice...wouldn't an Earth viewer just assume your non-dead body was making the noises, from somewhere close to the mic but outside the frame?

ARNIE  
Huh.

CHUNT  
Think about it.

ARNIE  
No, no, you're right! I don't know why I didn't think of that.

CHUNT  
Although this lengthy intro we just did where we explained the whole concept might kinda throw a wrench in the plan.

ARNIE  
You're right about that too. Geez, this having-punch-instead-of-brains situation is really slowing me down. Okay, just stop the recording, and let's start the whole thing ov

ʕ✿ ܫ ✿ʔ

CHUNT  
Oh my goddesses, Arnie, don't start the recording yet, I have to tell you something that is personal and _amazing_.

ARNIE  
It's a Rune call, they're always recording -- but I'm sure I can edit this part out. What's up, babe?

CHUNT  
The Shattering must not just have cut off different parts of Foon from each other -- it must have mixed them up between parts of _other_ worlds. When I turned on my Rune stone last night, I suddenly had a new connection available that gave me a huge download --

ARNIE  
Ooh. That is _definitely_ a virus. Or whatever you call viruses in Foon.

CHUNT  
\-- that turned out to be video files from another world --

ARNIE  
Wait, what? Were they from Earth? From my world?

CHUNT  
\-- I am trying to _tell_ you, if you stop interrupting -- they were from Twosidore!

ARNIE  
What?!

USIDORE  
Be this a message from an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE Twosidore? Or perhaps a previously un-discovered message recorded before his UNTIMELY DEMISE?

CHUNT  
No, it was the real him! He didn't explode! The explosion actually sent him through a portal to the ancient, historical land of Moon. He still had a resonance stone on him, so he decided to make a weekly recording, in hopes that one day he would get a signal from the Vermilion Minotaur and be able to send his recordings back through the portal to Foon.

ARNIE  
Oh, wow! Chunt, that's incredible? Have you listened to them yet? Do you want to turn off the Rune and keep listening to them now? Usidore and I can totally manage the podcast alone this week, if you think this is more important.

CHUNT  
Are you kidding? It's, like, over a hundred hours of content. Who has the free time to grind through that kind of archive?

USIDORE  
Perhaps someone who is TRAPPED IN PLACE, with no travel, limited contact from other beings, and, yea, almost no other options for entertainment.

CHUNT  
You make a good point.

ARNIE  
...No reason to think that'll be true on Earth for Sarah, though, huh.

CHUNT  
Aw, babe, I didn't mean it like that. Listen -- whether I watch all these or not, it makes me really, really happy just to know that Twosidore went to the trouble of making them.

USIDORE  
Also: from mine own visits to Earth, I am aware that thou hast the mystical ability to play audiovisual content at ONE POINT FIVE TIMES SPEED.

ʕ✿ ܫ ✿ʔ

The world of Earth looked very different after the Unshattering.

Clear skies now had a tasteful paisley pattern -- across which the shadow of a space station, much larger than anything built by humans, occasionally passed.

Biologists in every nation, upon finding that half their lab mice and all their virus cultures had inexplicably developed two buttholes, threw up their hands and resolved to quit the whole business and go back to art school.

One-third of all fast-food restaurants now had doors that occasionally opened on the Great Halls of Terr'akkas.

And so -- as the planet's foremost and only expert on interdimensional diplomacy -- Arnie was busier than he'd ever been in his life.

On the plus side, he quickly made enough money to move his family to a giant house with an obscene amount of guest rooms, and have those customized, one by one, to accommodate all different shapes and sizes of guests.

One cool night in early autumn (which Arnie kept accidentally calling "late Vwishtash"), a comfortable group of them sat in the parlor. Usidore's lap was occupied by Arnie's daughter (known to the wizards as Phone), while he amazed and delighted her with a miniature light show. Mundle the Grundle, finally settled at about the size of a large cat, was curled up in a cat bed in front of the fireplace, occasionally giving his vibraslap a contented whirr. Over the mantel hung the obsidian sword that Arnie had spent a while impaled with, crossed over the obsidian arm that Usidore, followed by Sarah, had spent a while wearing.

Arnie himself sat on the couch, with Sarah leaning against him on one side, Chunt on the other. (In his human form with badger markings, Chunt was known to the internets as The New Patron Saint of Furries.)

They all watched the laptop click through a slideshow of Chunt's latest vacation photos: visiting Twosidore and his wife Madeline, now settled in their own new home on the historical land of Moon.

"Speaking of travel records," said Sarah, as the slideshow drew to a close. "I got through a couple more weeks of your Foon video diary."

"Yeah?" asked Arnie, feeling a twinge of apprehension. He'd reviewed a few episodes of the podcast since getting back to Earth, but had decided the private videos were a bit too raw and personal to re-watch. How far into it was Sarah now?

"You were spot-on about one thing."

"I want to say it was a _few_ more things than one," protested Arnie. Both Chunt and Usidore raised their heads at this...so before either of them could challenge Arnie to name five, he added, "But which one are you at now?"

Sarah leaned closer in what seemed like the opening move of a hug, only to reach her arm all the way across and scratch the top of Chunt's head. "He _is_ a pretty cool guy."

"Awww!" crooned Chunt, his humanoid ears sprouting extra fur and making a disconcerting shift up the side of his head. "Badgie skritchies!"

Pinned awkwardly between them, there wasn't much Arnie could do except lean back against the couch, close his eyes, and let out a sigh of profound (if slightly squished) contentment.


End file.
